National Coming Out Day, My Story by Allison

This past year or so has been such a wild ride for me. Let me see if I can hit the highlights for you. My name is Allison. Up until last year, no one but myself knew that I was trans. I had known, or at the very least suspected, that I was trans since I was a pre-teen. I grew up in a time & place where being out would be dangerous, so I kept it secret for over 30 years. I honestly thought that I would stay closeted for the rest of my life. I figured it was better for me to be miserable than for everyone to be miserable. However, I was becoming more and more angry and bitter.

It got to the point that my wife told me that I should see a therapist. I resisted for so long because I knew what would come up. I eventually did find a therapist and my predictions came true. She didn't push me in any direction, but the more we talked the more I knew I couldn't stay closeted forever. Then last year, right after my 12th wedding anniversary, my wife found some of my jewelry that I had in my car. I came out to her that night. She took it reasonably well, but it meant the end of our marriage. We faked things for the sake of the kids until after Christmas, for the sake of our kids. In January I came out to my kids and the rest of my family. The kids took things pretty well, though they were shocked. My daughters have been very supportive. My son is trying to wrap his head around things. The vast majority of my family disowned me. It hurt, but I was expecting that outcome. Also, in January, I started HRT and moved into my apartment. In June I came out at work and have been working as myself ever since. Everyone at work has been pretty good about things. I still get called the wrong name from time to time, but they almost always correct themselves immediately and apologize. The fact that they're trying means a lot. They even sent me to a conference a couple months ago.

As much as I have lost on this long journey that I'm just getting started on, I've gained so much, too. I've found a lot of new friends and communities through the Trans Program, PFLAG, & the church I go to. One of the biggest things is that I no longer hate the person in the mirror. I'm at peace with myself and I would like to think that I'm a nicer person to, all around, know. There are still some bad days where I get down and just breakdown and cry, especially around certain big events and holidays. It's also during these times that I take full stock of where I am now and the progress I have made.

I'm not yet where I want to be, but I'm not where I was. I also believe that living my life as myself and not the person that everyone else wanted me to be has been one of the best things for me to do.

- Allison (She/Her/Hers)